i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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