She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
