I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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