just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
