I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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