what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
