i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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