Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
