I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
