I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
