I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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