Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
