I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
