Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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