Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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