I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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