Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
They took my balls.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize