rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
