Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
