he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize