I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
