My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Randomize
