He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
