I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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