we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
