i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
