dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I am naked and annoyed.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
