I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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