On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
How's work?
Spinning.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
