Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
