I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
