Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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