I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think people are normalizing furries
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
