True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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