I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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