The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
