i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
