and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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