I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
