Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
