I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
