first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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