I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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