There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
