I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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