I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize