Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
no you cant smoke seaweed
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize