so let's talk penis.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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