Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
