Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
