somebody snuck up and got me drunk
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Randomize
