I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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