It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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