my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
