I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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