He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
