Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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