Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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