And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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